Photo: Gilles Mingasson/Disney

We’ve been down the old love path and had our hearts broken by whatever happened between Gerry and Theresa, but now we’re back! We’re ready to feel the feelings for an often overlooked love demographic (older people) as Joan Vassos deals with a house full of men over fifty.

Do I really feel ready to treat this show as someone whose father remarried in his 80s, and to a genuinely excellent person? Yes! I do! Love to all, and let’s make sure we include people who still want it in their final decades (their golden years, she cleverly added).

We start with Joan carefully selecting jewelry as Kacey Musgraves’ “Rainbow” plays. Sold. Joan was married to her husband John for 33 years, until he passed away from pancreatic cancer. John made life fun and made her feel visible every day, so these become Joan’s key points in measuring The Men. I really hope Joan requested that Phil Collins play during her intro, because otherwise it invites the viewer to ask in confusion, “Is that… Phil Collins?” and I don’t know why the show would want us to do that.

Let’s meet these men! Joan does so in a very sparkly dress. 10/10 for the level of sparkle. She starts with twenty-four men, which is a lot, but that number will be reduced to eighteen tonight, if I counted correctly. Okay, here we go!

The men who get into the packages in the first half are Kim, the Navy captain; Jonathan, the handsome Iowan Charles Not in Charge; Keith in the station wagon; and Mark, Who Is Kelsey’s Dad. The first out of the limo is Pascal, the owner of the French salon, who says he’s from Chicago. Since I live in Chicago, I immediately looked up Pascal’s Salon, and although it’s in the suburb of Glencoe and not in Chicago (the median household income in Glencoe is $228,750), it’s, as you might suspect, a pretty big deal. Pascal adds something to the house, and I wish he’d stay for a few weeks.

We also meet people like Chock, an insurance executive from Wichita. Chock offers Joan chicken soup when they first meet, and I can’t believe they have the leads do things like eat soup from strangers on this show. I’ve literally never heard them say no. They just have to say yes, no matter what. Chock also goes on later about how he respects Joan’s “family values,” so now I’m looking at him with a sideways glance. I don’t TRUST you, Chock.

Other people who don’t have a video package include Bob the chiropractor, who says he died when he was struck by lightning, which, good god; Gary the retired CFO, who is either this season’s Susan or April; Guy the doctor, who Joan clearly likes very much; and jackAnother Chicagoan. Jack is a caterer and is here for his personality, which very much “walked onto the set from a nearby tailgate.” Jack introduces himself by singing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” and tells you most of what you need to know about Jack (this is not a criticism of Jack; I need 200 percent more Jack on this show). Jack says that the dress Joan is wearing is “freakin’ hot” and comes into the mansion to ask if someone said bourbon. Normally I’d approve of the cast members being here for chaos, but almost everyone is in their 60s and the loudest thing in episode one is when they all play no-rules pickleball.

In between the video package people, Kim says things like, “There’s no shortage of studs in the barn,” which I hate. Also, I don’t know the Navy dress code, but sir, do not wear short sleeves to this event. Jonathan is SO handsome and talks a lot to Joan about how he connected to her by feeling invisible, which is crazy because, again, so handsome. Charles L. brings the first tears of the episode to me when he talks about his wife, who passed away after thirty-six years of marriage. I’ll die for Charles. Keith’s chyron is “Girl Dad.” He explains that he’s been the sole parent of his kids for the past twelve years, and that he and his wife split up due to addiction issues. Keith drives in in a station wagon, which smells like the damned Garrett and his minivan, but Keith will hopefully be better than Garrett. The bar isn’t set high.

And lastly, there’s Mark! The show makes no secret of the fact that Mark is going to go far, which makes sense because he looks like a lumberjack, and Joan seems like one. I don’t know anything else about him because I don’t remember Joey’s season. Later, he says that talking to Joan is like putting on a new pair of sweatpants that just came out of the dryer. Leave the comparisons to someone else, Mark.

The first episode of The Bachelor franchise (except Bachelor in Paradise) always goes in the following order of events: intros, one-on-ones, first impressions rose, elimination round. The one-on-ones are fine. We find that Joan will emphasize the word “adventure” a lot, which, as I’ve noticed from scanning these guys. She seems to like Dan from Naples, Florida. Dan seems nice enough, but he looks like the senator trying to ban mutants in X-Men. Gary sets up two phones and they talk side by side. I love Gary.

Jack is drunk (obviously) and wanders around the mansion, saying that there’s a little bay everywhere and that he can’t wait to get in the pool. Jack’s tour of the mansion is my favorite part of the entire two hours. In a typical Chicago moment, he says, “I can tell you right now, we have about seventy-two candles in there.” Meanwhile, Charles is impressed by the kitchen and how it’s all real, which I can only take to mean he thought they were on a movie set. I’d love some sort of buddy comedy with Jack and Charles. I might only be able to get through one episode before Jack milkshake-dives himself, but what an episode it would be.

Joan takes the first impression rose and has to go through every man in the house to find Keith. She loves that he made her feel safe and tells the camera that she hasn’t felt this way since John died. And on the first night too! And Gerry, Joan!

Before we get to the rose ceremony, Jesse rolls in a TV like it’s fifth period, and the guys are all watching videos sent in by their families, mostly of their kids. Cute Gary starts crying when he talks about his daughter and grandson, and this is the second crying moment for me. Damn this show.

It’s almost morning and we start with the rose ceremony. Natascha said it on Golden Bachelorbut can we please get chairs for these people? Haven’t they worked enough in their last six decades on this earth? Now they have to stand in their fancy shoes for hours on end? Either way, the show is not going to budge on this one. Okay, the people getting roses are: Dan, Jonathan, Mark, Guy, Charles K., Gil, Gary, Pascal, Chock, Kim, Christopher, Gregg, Charles L., Jordan, Bob, Michael, and JACK gets the final rose. I screamed (in a cheerful way).

In the season preview we see scuba kissing, tuxedo kissing, bowling, soccer, old men in bathing suits, more Jack, Vegas, Joan telling Mark I love her (!), Guy telling Joan he’s in love with her (!), and I’m really looking forward to this whole season.

Using the Michael Scott “Beach Games” points system, I will be giving out 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs up each week. And one person will be pushed into a chocolate river.

• 10 points: Thanks to Charles K. for pretending to be Willy Wonka with his stick.

• Gold Star: To Jack for his candle estimate.

• Thumbs up: To the horse that ran away from David and the producers.

• Pushed into a chocolate river: Mark, for saying that Joan is like a new pair of sweatpants. Honestly, sir, what did you think?