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Wolverines plan to give USC a warm welcome to the Big Ten

Vaseline September 21, 2024

This doesn’t make any sense, right? After three straight years of beating opponents by multiple touchdowns, the Wolverines are underdogs at home for the second time in three weeks. And now, the internet has confused fans wondering if Sherrone Moore even knows what he’s doing.

I understand some of the fear, even if it’s ridiculously premature and probably booze-soaked. I mean, Moore just benched his quarterback, even though Davis Warren didn’t throw a single incompletion in a blowout win over Arkansas-Something last week. By my count, every one of his 14 passes was caught by a real football player. No incompletions, no ball hit the grass.

As it turns out, 11 catches were made by Michigan players and three by Arkansas guys, which is not the way it’s supposed to work. So, just three weeks into their defense of an intact, undamaged, undisputed national championship, Moore made the difficult (and necessary) decision to go with someone who doesn’t throw the ball to the other team. And if new starter Alex Orji accidentally does, at least he’ll have the mobility to run around until a better option comes along.

Orji is built like a linebacker, even if linebackers are still only 6-3, 235. He’s a fantastic athlete and the Wolverines will run him a lot, Orji eats, so to speak. He’s thrown just seven passes in three seasons and two of them were touchdowns, so Moore might want to consider using those plays again.

This is a critical week, especially if Michigan (2-1) hopes to get back to 15-0. That’s not the only plan that needs to be rethought. New Big Ten member USC comes to the Big House on Saturday, and the Wolverines can’t catch a break. The game is at 3:30 p.m., not noon (9 a.m. Cali time). I assumed the idea of conference expansion was to get those West Coast softies up early and shivering in the snow, encumbered by eight pairs of long johns and portable heaters in their jocks. Instead, the Trojans are greeted by warm, sunny conditions, and if there’s a misty smog in the air, it’s not what they think it is.

This is the strange new Big Ten, with 18 teams fighting for one or two playoff spots after the SEC grabs the other 10. With two conference games already in the books, imagine my surprise when I looked at the standings and saw Michigan State and Indiana leading the way with 1-0 records. They’re followed by 14 teams at 0-0, and Maryland and UCLA at 0-1.

More: No. 18 Michigan football takes ‘1-0 mindset’ into Big Ten opener against No. 11 USC

To help alleviate the confusion, it was confirmed at Big Ten Media Days by UCLA’s head coach that UCLA, like USC, is located in the Los Angeles area. There’s no evidence the Bruins were actually there last week, when Indiana won 42-13 at Rose Bowl Stadium. Not the Rose Bowl Game, of course, because, well, Indiana was playing.

So many new things to process. For example, the Hoosiers now have a coach named Curt Cignetti and a transfer quarterback named Kurtis Rourke. Since the Curt/Kurt Invasion, the Hoosiers are 3-0 and just beat Western Illinois, 77-3. I can remember entire seasons where Indiana didn’t score 77 points. With all the excitement in Bloomington, I heard that the on-campus Applebee’s has extended their Happy Hour from 3-6 p.m. to 9-11:15 p.m.

The Spartans are also inexplicably 3-0 after hiring a new coach, new QB strategy, hiring Jon WWW. Smith and Aidan Chiles. MSU has won one road game and has another Saturday night at BC, which would have been a tough game for BC (Before Chiles).

In fact, virtually every undefeated team in America has acquired a quarterback or a star in the making. This is not a criticism of Jim Harbaugh, who did a lot of good things to lead Michigan back to the prominence of the 1948 era. He certainly collected receipts (and left a few), and cleverly broke a few stupid rules to get suspended and give Moore some experience.

Harbaugh packed up for the NFL, where he’ll likely win the Super Bowl with the Chargers, and packed up busloads of UM players. There’s still some talent here, but the small problem is that he left the Big House without a proven quarterback, which is a bit like selling a big house without a working bathroom. You’ve got to have something that works, right?

That wasn’t the intention, as far as I know. One of UM’s former quarterbacks is in the NFL, JJ McCarthy. Another, Cade McNamara, is busy throwing sharp handoffs at Iowa. Another, Alan Bowman, who threw 11 passes in two seasons at UM, is starring for undefeated Oklahoma State.

By the time Harbaugh and McCarthy decided to leave, the portal had been plundered and UM’s top quarterback recruit, Jadyn Davis, wasn’t quite ready. Quarterback is a tougher position in college than it is in the pros, because there’s a lot more to it than signing NIL deals and driving fancy cars. College quarterbacks have to learn RPOs (run-pass option), FHOs (fake-handoff option) and RIOs (run-interception option).

There are only so many quarterbacks to go around. And then you have pigs like Texas, who took UM with Heisman candidate Quinn Ewers and are now using another Heisman candidate, Arch “Not Eli” Manning. Oregon could win the Big Ten with transfer quarterback Dillon Gabriel. Or Ohio could win it with transfer Will Howard. Or Indiana could win it out of common courtesy.

USC has a prolific passer in Miller Moss, who replaced prolific passer Caleb Williams, who had his career ruined by the Chicago Bears. We know the Trojans always have a bunch of speedy receivers, and Lincoln Riley gets paid a lot of Lincolns to wear a speedy coaching visor. But we still don’t know for sure if the Trojans are strong enough to handle bruising Big Ten opponents who stink of beer and sausage and don’t mind throwing the occasional interception.

It’s one thing to look menacing and muscular as you strut down Venice Beach with the USC singing girls. It’s another to take on Michigan’s arsenal of 260-pound running backs, tight ends and quarterbacks.

As you know, Michigan’s proud legacy is built on its loss to USC in the Rose Bowl. Let’s see how the Trojans handle being forced to pack a lightweight sweater, travel across the country and deal with the horrific effects of jet lag, and then be faced with an unpleasant windchill that drops temperatures into the mid-70s. They have no idea what’s coming. (Neither do we!)

Choice: USC, 31-26

The choices

▶ Michigan State at Boston College: It’s a night game in Chestnut Hill and the Spartans will be trying to stay untouched in the ‘Nut. The Eagles decided to take football seriously again and hired a veteran coach, Bill O’Brien. He’s worked in the NFL, at Penn State, Alabama and last season served a three-week prison sentence as OC at The Ohio. BC stunned the nation by beating Florida State 28-13, which is impressive until you realize that FSU has lost to random teams like Georgia Tech and Memphis. Choice: BC, 27-16

▶ Tennessee vs. Oklahoma: Lots of hype here, and lots of Heupel. Tennessee coach Josh Heupel was Oklahoma’s championship-winning quarterback — 24 years and 60 pounds ago. He has a high-powered offense to welcome the Sooners to SEC football, which is different than two-hand-touch Big 12 football. This could be the year Tennessee finally makes good on its promise, but I doubt it. Pick: Tennessee, 35-31

▶ Illinois vs. Nebraska: This could also be the year that Nebraska finally delivers on its promises, but I doubt it. Incredibly, this is the first matchup between ranked teams in Nebraska in 11 years. Both are 3-0, and by rule, one will be 4-0. Freshman quarterback Dylan Raiola has Cornhuskers fans so excited they’re running around without overalls. Choice: Illinois, 20-17

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@bobwojnowski