(note: for bonus points see if you can find the secret message in this week’s preview)

The year is 2024, which means this is Miami’s 21st season in the ACC. As we all know, it’s been a hugely successful run for the ‘Canes, with a countless number of preseason division/conference titles to their name. Honestly, keeping track of all those mythical accolades can be a bit of an ordeal. Every member of the national college football media seems to relish the annual tradition of improving Miami’s chances of winning a mediocre conference that, as ESPN has often tried to argue, can only be considered a good conference if the pivots Miami and the state of Florida are good. .

And then there are the fans.

Knowing how to interact with Miami fans is an art in itself. No fanbase – in my opinion, not even UGA’s fanbase – is as oppressively unbearable to be around when their team actually appears to be competitive. Exhaustion is a natural symptom of long-term exposure to people who won’t shut up about THE U and DADE COUNTY and ED REED and THE CULTURE and SWAGGER… but there is a silver lining. Ultimately, all Miami fans seem doomed to disappear, because when the ‘Canes implode midseason — which has been their habit for more than two decades — those fans and that noise always seem to vanish without a trace, leaving someone to stare at. the 742 people who were there for a game against an FCS opponent and wonder if all those crowds of fans ever really existed.

Miami continually exists in a strange place. Absolute confidence radiates from every corner of the program. Recruits see a program play out its vast history, but never talk about achievements from their own lives. Incredible wealth engulfs the program even now, but a closer look reveals its origins pandemic-era hospital profits and a lonely, loud mega-booster frantically averting bankruptcy. The overwhelming pride in the program is reflected in the everlasting SWAGGER fan base that gets a little more fun every year since the last time they won something of significance.

Considering Miami is undefeated this year and very likely playoff bound thanks to an extremely annoying combination of ridiculously talented and ridiculously lucky while having a ridiculously easy schedule (GT might be the third best team they’ve faced in the regular season season), let’s take a look at an incomplete list of teams and entities that have scored at least as many touchdowns in the ACC title game as Miami as of November 2024:

• Georgia Tech
• State of Florida
• NC State
• Cal
• Caltech (still undefeated)
• Emory (still undefeated)
• Miami (Ohio)
• Iowa
• Iowa’s gambler
• Those guys at the Iowa-Nebraska game last year who had shirts that said “Punts”
• Goldberg, the professional wrestler
• Goldberg, the Mighty Duck
• Alan Shepard, the first American in space
• Commander Shepard
• Shadow the hedgehog
• Shadow, the mischievous black Lab from my childhood neighborhood who once casually walked into our garage, grabbed a tennis ball from my dad’s gym bag and took it home, causing my dad to get annoyed with my 9-year-old for not holding her back (?? ?) and honestly I was in the driveway but I was too amused watching it play out
• Tim Tebow
• Terry Tate, the linebacker in the office
• “Tungsten Arm” O’Doyle of the 1921 Akron groomsmen
• The man who fixed the torn turf during the 2017 Big Ten title game
• The torn up grass from the 2017 Big Ten title game
• Former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan
• Me, the person writing this
• You, the person reading this
• You, the person slyly reading this over the previous person’s shoulder