Before the most wonderful time of the year comes the worst movie of the year.

That’s ‘Red One’, a Christmas piece starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Chris Evans. If you see it, you will regret it.

Our two-hour holiday dream begins with the title, which refers to the POTUS-like code name that the US government gives to Sinterklaas.

How magical.

Kris Kringle, played by JK Simmons as a push-up-obsessed gym rat, is kidnapped after a freelance hacker named Jack (Evans) accidentally reveals the location of the North Pole to an evildoer.

So Santa’s bodyguard, Callum (Johnson, of course), enlists Jack to rescue Santa and “save Christmas.”

Save Christmas? They killed it mercilessly.

Before the kidnapping on December 24, Callum, who heads ELF (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification – ugh), was one day away from retirement.

“I love the children,” he sighs. “It’s the adults who kill me.”

For the first time, we are told that the naughty list is longer than the nice list. Callum doesn’t explain why, but it’s probably related to the CVS padlock mouthwash.

“Red One,” misdirected by Jake Kasdan, then exudes the usual seasonal pine sap.

“Somewhere inside every adult lies the child they once were,” Simmons’ Santa answers, as if in a hypnotic trance.

These are the kind of canned Hallmark lines spoken in movies intended for young children.

So why do characters also shout “s–t!” multiple times in this movie rated PG-13? Or, when Jack asked what his job was, who thought it best for the Rock to shout, “To spread cheer, a-hole!”?

“Red One” is a film with many such mysteries. It reportedly cost $250 million to make. But you’d never know it from the not-so-special effects on screen. Did the artisan serving table contain whole bluefin tuna and white truffles?

Jack is one of the jaded adults who Callum despises. As a child, the killjoy told his little cousins ​​that Santa Claus does not exist. Now he has a difficult relationship with his young son, Dylan (Wesley Kimmel), and enjoys gambling.

His supernatural adventure of tension-free and humorless action chases causes him to be late for Dylan’s school recital.

In pursuit of Santa Claus, Callum and Jack head to Aruba, which is probably responsible for 50% of the reason this film was made in the first place, and to the land of Krampus – the scary Christmas monster from German folklore.

The littlest viewers won’t be amused by Krampus, played by “Game of Thrones” actor Kristofer Hivju as if he were a Leprechaun on steroids. “Leprechaun on the flop.”

The duo is captured by the prosthetic-enhanced freak, who is apparently Santa’s estranged brother, after Jack tries to steal some swag in his dank castle.

“You tried to steal gold from the Dark Lord of Winter!” says The Rock in one of writers Chris Morgan and Hiram Garcia’s video game rejection lines.

Callum then participates in a game of Krampusschlap – a stupid competition in which the giant horned goat and the ELF agent repeatedly punch each other until one passes out and he regains his freedom.

I thought: when will I win? Mine freedom?

It isn’t until we meet Gryla, a basic witch played by Kiernan Shipka, that Claus has her clutches. The sorceress has an evil plan to trap all the naughty people in snow globes – a kind of half-hearted rapture.

They have to stop her with the help of an American official who is as serious as a heart attack named Zoe (Lucy Liu), head of MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority. Say it with me – ugh!).

It’s not a spoiler to say that the heartless film ends with Santa Claus delivering presents around the world.

As for “Red One”, I would like a gift certificate.