There’s no doubt that we all need a little Christmas right now. But Hollywood is failing miserably to deliver as promised with ‘Red One’, now in theaters where top stars Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and Chris ‘Captain America’ Evans do their utmost to save the jacked-up Santa Claus (wasted Oscar winner). . JK Simmons) of terrorist commando kidnappers.

It sounds like a reimagined version of “Die Hard,” which would have been great, since many of us consider that definitive mix of action and ho-ho-ho as our favorite entertainment to kick back to during the holidays. So what went wrong with all the elements present? One word: everything.

For starters, “Red One” reportedly cost more than $250 million to produce, and very little of it is seen on screen as it hurtles around the world through toy store shelves, from the beaches of Aruba to the Arctic Circle. You feel the madness everywhere, but it’s not fun.

Johnson plays Callum Drift, the security chief at the North Pole. He is also an immortal who can shrink himself to elf size. Why? And why, after 542 years of helping Santa and Mrs. Claus (Bonnie Hunt), does he want to retire? You’ll enjoy ‘Red One’ more if you stop asking logical questions.

The lame plot is set in motion when Red One turns up missing two days before Christmas, and creatures from toy monsters to killer snowmen run amok, even though Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu) is supposed to keep them in line as head of a mysterious international agency.

Zoe is not up to the task this time. So she enlists Evans as Jack O’Malley, a career criminal known as “The Wolf,” who appears to be suffering a midlife crisis involving his estranged teenage son Dylan (Wesley Kimmel). If anyone can track down Santa Claus, it’s Jack. The problem is that Jack doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, so how is he going to find someone who isn’t there?

These are the jokes, folks. And at least for a while, Johnson and Evans turn “Red One” into a buddy comedy decent enough to bring a few smiles to an undemanding audience, preferably consisting of the under-5 audience.

Working from a failed script by Chris Morgan of the “Fast & Furious” franchise that has none of these qualities, director Jake Kasdan, who guided Johnson through two rebooted “Jumanji” epics, seems to be letting this big, bloated fiasco pass him by. Everything from the dragging pace to the sleepwalking performances feels off.

The less said the better about the late arrival of the villain, the Christmas Witch Gryla, played by Kiernan Shipka, Don Draper’s child in “Mad Men.” Gryla’s ex is the dark lord of the holidays and the no-account gargoyle of a brother of Santa Claus, Krampus (Kristofer Hivju).

The special effects, including the giant reindeer (all girls) and the fantasy elements, have been digitized into a headache-inducing barrage of pixels. No wonder the depressed Cal wants to leave. “I love the kids, but the adults are killing me,” he groans. We get your point, friend.

The so-called adults behind “Red One” have indeed presented us with a Christmas miracle that no one asked for: a movie that sucks the joy out of the season. Artificial intelligence could have produced something more human. When it comes to finding a phrase to sum up this lump of coal trying to pass itself off as festive entertainment, old Mr. Scrooge said it best: “Bah, nonsense!”