There are many conversations on the eve of the offensive for which I would have liked to be a fly on the wall. In the Trojan Horse, for example, with that old Greek SAS unit chatting all day before heading out for their daring raid in the wee hours. Or inside Jaguar’s marketing department, on the eve of their rebranding, as these experienced troops prepared to release this week’s new ad to an unsuspecting luxury car market. Imagine the champagne corks popping while the socials are in time to post the video at the agreed time. “I hope the pre-order guys are ready for an attack – because we have eight different capital D models in category five tulle hammering out of a pink planet elevator – and exactly NO cars! Let’s make some sales history!”

Anyway. It has undoubtedly fared slightly worse than the wooden horse, which, if you think about it, was one of the most successful high-powered vehicles in history/mythology. Sure, it was too big, relied too heavily on historic materials and probably cornered like a supertanker – and yet I defy you not to take your hat off. No one said urban warfare can’t be quirky and design-driven.

Today, marketing folklore is already piling up around the Jaguar campaign, which debuted this week to reactions ranging from vocal bafflement to vocal derision. As far as I can tell, the best this ad’s defenders can come up with is that “the internet is talking about it,” which these days seems a bit like that South Park episode where some leprechauns come up with a business plan that goes like this: 1 Collect underpants . 2.? 3. Profit.

Not that there aren’t several people who will flat out say they absolutely love it, even though it’s clearly tired and boring and about as “brave” as “using your platform” at the Oscars. But the one thing we can be absolutely certain of is: none of those defenders will buy any of these cars. And – unfortunate newsflash – selling cars do remain the core mission of a car company. Hilariously, there won’t even be any more cars for sale for a while, as Jaguar will now completely halt production for at least a year, while three new electric cars won’t hit the market until 2026. They will cost almost double what a current car would cost. Jag does, with the company claiming that this ad announces its intentions to reach younger, wealthier people whom it idealizes as “cash-rich and time-poor.” Hence this “breaking away from the category tropes,” which for some reason reminds me of those political activists who tell you they don’t need those old voters – they can get new, better ones.

In Adweek, Interbrand’s Chief Strategy Officer was among those who went completely counter-intuitive, praising Jaguar for “showing up as a creative company rather than a car manufacturer.” Hmm. This feels like praising a team at the bottom of the table for showing itself as a creative company rather than a football side.

The big question is how on earth it all happened. Remarkably, there is no malevolent external agency to blame for going off-piste and tricking long-time Jaguar executives – who are painfully aware that they have been outsold six to one by their Tata Motors stablemate Land Rover – convince them to take a last desperate big step. No, this was all done in-house.

But the main culprit is timing. It takes months for such big swings to be signed off, and when the concept of this campaign was approved it must have seemed perfectly of the moment. Various media have unearthed a video of his mastermind receiving an award a month ago, in which he announces with a clear air of self-satisfaction that Jaguar has founded no fewer than fifteen DEI groups. Correct. There’s something ridiculous about a guy who’s about to roll out cars starting at $100,000 and brags about being mega-inclusive. It reminds me of when Coutts brought Nigel Farage off the bench and declared that “above all” they were committed to being an “inclusive organisation”. To which the only answer is: you are a private bank where people must have at least £3 million in cash to open a current account. What are you talking about? Do you include low-income, middle-income, or even the vast majority of high-income people? Honestly, pipe down.

Unfortunately, Jaguar seems to have gotten the memo too late, declaring this week: “This is a new performance that recaptures the essence of Jaguar, bringing it back to the values ​​that once made it so beloved, but making it relevant to a contemporary audience . We are creating Jaguar for the future and restoring its status as a brand that enriches the lives of our customers and the Jaguar community.” OK! Although, counterpoint: you’re releasing a tired mess, two weeks after Donald Trump’s election victory, and amid the undeniable sense that there has been a change in the atmosphere in the era of woke capitalism that consumers have been experiencing for the past few baffled and delighted for years. years, to a clearly unequal extent. In some ways, the timing of this ad is reminiscent of all those Sunday newspaper columns viciously denouncing Princess Diana that – as they were in the lead-up times – appeared in the papers just as the world was waking up to the news of her death. . There had been, to emphasize the point, a change in the atmosphere.

The effect is that Jaguar’s new ad immediately becomes a period piece. Or to put it another way: while it may have been infinitely less iconic in design, in a way, that elevator in the Jag advert really has proven to be a secret weapon. The problem is that it points in the wrong direction. Jaguar has put itself on a Trojan horse.

• Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist

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