After the Kings’ best opening loss in a decade, the Sacramentoes have packed their bags and headed out for a skirmish against LeBron James and the Los Angeles Lakers. Winners of their first two games, the Lakers will play on a second night of a back-to-back and… Okay, are the casuals gone? Has your uncle from Santa Monica, who almost exclusively talks about robberies outside the “TCL Chinese Theater” and how the Palisades are really going downhill, left? Good. You really didn’t think that after over twenty months away from here, I would pass up the opportunity to dog run the worst franchise in professional sports again, right? If you’re here for analysis, for a good, solid understanding of the game at play tonight, pop over to Elon Musk’s X.Com while it’s still semi-usable and look for Will Z or a host of other Sacramento-based writers with more poise and professionalism in their little finger than I have in my entire body.

I’m not here to impress. I’m here to be depressing, especially all you cosmetic Ozempic-addicted, Mamba mentality-slinging, Brentwood born and bred, such crazy, commuting exhibitionists. “Oh, we had a World Series game, a Lakers game, a USC football game, and two whole concerts tonight!” Okay, I have a wife who loves me and DeMar DeRozan who plays for my professional sports franchise and if only one of those things can be true then it’s still over 97% of the vanity plates that Valley drivers can claim. My translator would bet my money on that.

Let’s talk Kings basketball.

When: Saturday, October 25, 7:30 PM PST
Where: Yes-it-is-still-Crypto-Dot-Com-Arena, Los Angeles, CA
TV: NBCSCA – Kyle Draper (play-by-play)
Radio: Sactown Sports 1140am

For your consideration

One day a future kingI wish I could say that my time away has softened my view of the Lakers, that in my pursuit of wholeness I climbed a distant mountaintop and found a wise, wizened thinker who, after a lifetime of self-reflection, commissioned to give, put aside my petty grievances, otherwise I must face an eternity of regret. I didn’t. I hate the Lakers. To paraphrase one of the three lifelong Angelenos I still respect: I hate the way they walk, the way they talk, I hate the way they dress, and if you ask me why, some things are just ridiculous, it’s not. It must even be deep, I think. There’s just nothing to respect about them. I hate them like they hated Jerry West. I just hope that one day I see the franchise disappear in part because of the heartbreak I caused them, and while they yearn for redemption and final reconciliation like the Lakers, I remain silent until everything is.

The Lakers are everything that’s bad about this world: nepotism, cronyism, De’Angelo Russell. They’re a franchise populated by failed sons and failed daughters, by people who can’t tell the difference between a slap in the back and a stab in the back and are so used to doing both that they just didn’t care anymore what should happen where, and to whom. Where a father, rich in talent and success, can become so cocky by assuming his children will be the same, and so powerful that no one can stop them from putting them on the team and later having a TV show that foreshadows their exact plan to do this. At least Jerry Buss got an HBO prestige drama…all LeBron got was a Netflix original.

I guess this means I have to talk about Bronny. I honestly have no ill will against the child. Being someone’s son is hard enough, being the son of one of the great individual talents of modern times must be impossible. Even with enormous wealth and privilege, you will always be attached to the brand that is LeBron James – a teratoma, a growth on the side of an entire industry that is your father, with his hair, teeth and skin color, part of his everything. comprehensive story, but also separate. Carried by this entity, never fully able to be removed or grow on its own. LA for high school, LA for college, declares after a bad season due to a terrible circumstance and then its blossoming, LA for the NBA. The LeBron machine makes LeBron seem healthy enough, but if this whole Ken Griffey wannabe thing was about getting his son the greatest success on the court, he would have let him pick his school, advised him to go back and play a few matches. years and really become the player he could be. But it’s LeBron. The story needs the moment, to hell with Junior. Take some pictures. I’m proud of you son for everything I’ve accomplished.

God, if there aren’t ten thousand Bel Air sons pretending to live in Silver Lake and in therapy for ten thousand versions of that.

Departing from someone I genuinely feel sorry for, nothing screams Los Angeles like losing a wealthier roommate who finally got tired of being in a slum with you, and while you’re away, starts looking for a part-time podcast host with a history of drunk driving to fill In the void, they successfully begged their poisoned, failed father to earn some money for a brand new house. The Lakers are still trying to push The Home That Bobby Bao Paid For as some sort of Madison Square Garden West, and yet The Clippers, so fond of their rich and steeped in history there, moved to Inglewood to get away from it all. police drama and quirky Oscar bait that my local blockbuster could handle for thirty years.

The best part is that if you think the arena is bad (it is), the team is no better. Kobe Bryant looks up to the Lakers fans who have spent their winter relying on Austin Reaves as their starting shooting guard and Dalton Knecht as their Rookie of the Year candidate. 54% of Los Angeles residents have a screenplay in the glove compartment and no one has told them how the white savior stereotype is put into practice. Even in two years no one will have told them they love them, but this is not relevant to today’s conversation. Did the Lakers beat the team that beat the Kings and beat the Suns last night? Certainly. Congratulations. The ligaments in KD and Bradley Beal’s bodies have the combined tensile strength of a microwave-heated cheese stick and their bones the sturdiness of day-old tostilocos. Anthony Davis remains the most frustrating player in the league, fluctuating wildly between being an MVP-level player and going through 75 games of being unavailable. LeBron is still LeBron (positive), De’Angelo Russell is still De’Angelo Russell (devastatingly negative). For anyone who believes the Lakers are having a comeback year because their coach is doing a Pat Riley impression instead of Doc Rivers, there’s a bench of Gabe Vincent, Dalton Knecht, Max Christie (?), Jaxon Hayes (?? ?) ?) to scare someone? “But Will… Jarred Vanderbilt and Christian Wood are hurt!” THEY ARE MAYBE A BETTER TEAM. I know Nana will be safer on the court and behind the home basket for the next few games!

I’d say the scariest person with feet on the hardwood for Los Angeles tomorrow night is Jack Nicholson, but even he seems to prefer languishing in unconscious peace into eternity over watching the game of his once glorious team.

The right choice, Jack. I don’t blame you.

The small stuff

Ultimately, this will be a section where I discuss smaller, crazier items I’ve observed throughout the season. So pretend I took the time to write about the sense of masculinity within the Lakers Bros. community. Nothing smaller or crazier than that.

Prediction

Bronny James is going to be a decent basketball player. LeBron James only sees his mistakes late in life and, through great effort, is forgiven by his son. A volcano arises from the La Brea Tarpits and destroys most of the surrounding area. Tommy Lee Jones is nowhere to be found.

Kings: 127, Lakers: about 7 or so.