It is not wrong to say that I have been struggling with some form of mental health issues my entire life. It is high time that I accept this fact, otherwise this illness will not only jeopardize my days ahead but will also dent all my goals and aspirations. So, what is it today? I cry out for help? I plead from my deepest dilemmas to all of you reading this — to tell me that you have all experienced this in one way or another? I don’t know what this is or how this is going to help here.

I know a few things:

I have terrible delusions.

There’s a part of me that never resonated with the others.

Before I tell you about my (ongoing) journey, I would like to explain these two parts in detail.

Delusions

Haha! I guess you’re not here. You’re not reading this. No one is reading this. I’m just sitting here in my bedroom, writing these lines and reading for you. You don’t exist. You never existed before I thought of you. My thoughts and presence make you stronger and, in some cases — REALLY.

How long have I had these thoughts? As long as I can remember. Why do I have these thoughts? I don’t know — they come and go and stay with me when I’m sick, lonely, depressed, or feeling real emotions. The good thing is that over the years I’ve come to realize how false these delusions really are! And I’ve tried my best to accept reality as it is.

Then my mind wonders, what is reality? I guess reality is what we make it, right? It is nothing but our own thoughts, ambitions, dreams, desires, failures, ghosts, and breaths — all coming together to materialize our emotions into reality. In that case, will each individual perceive their own version of reality?

I look at trees and see that they are green.

I look at the sky and see that it is blue.

You look at trees and see that they are green.

Do you look at the sky and see it as blue?

Does your green have the same atoms as mine?

Does your blue have the same shades as mine?

Feeling Alone

When I sit alone in my room, I am surrounded by hundreds of voices of characters I have encountered in my life. It could be Cooper or Murph from Interstellar or Charles Darnay and Lucie Manette from A Tale of Two Cities. Some days it is Irrfan Khan’s dialogue from the film Rog, where he talks about his attempts to commit suicide. Some nights it is the quote from Narayan Sahab’s Guide that comes to mind:

It seems to me that in general we have a misconception about our own wisdom.

But I still feel alone. I still feel lonely.

To be honest, there is no hardcore reason behind such feelings. It’s just how I was raised and how I dealt with the emotions. To lock them all inside me and let them rest. To feed the dragon and let him sleep forever.

But I am really trying to get better. I am really trying to control my emotions, outbursts, anger and lustful thoughts so that I can enjoy the gifts that I have been given.

I have also come to realize that it is not about the outward journey, but about a journey within that radiates outward and helps you become what you have always wanted to be! I hope the next time I talk about wellness or the like I have better examples to share. I hope the next time you read me I have a smile on your face.

V.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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The post Reality of Delusions appeared first on The Good Men Project.