Nobody wants this

Bat Mitzvah Crashers

Season 1

Episode 10

Editorial review

4 stars

****

Photo: Saeed Adyani/Netflix

Okay, let’s go over Morgan and Joanne’s makeup, because you could see pretty much exactly how it would go. Our very tall weirdo Sasha is very sweet even when he tries to be tough, and he would never keep that a secret!

When Noah forbids him to tell him gossip (not nice! He doesn’t realize how juicy this is!), Sasha decides to go along with it; he has to tell Morgan. “I need some sweet release from these chains!” he tells her as she talks on speakerphone to Joanne in the room. (She’s there to record a podcast, not because she wants to.) Her cover was messed up the whole time; Rebekah lied. Good for Joanne, she immediately apologizes. I mean, Morgan makes her do it again, this time on her knees, and more sincerely, but she does it. She tells Morgan that not only does she regret what she said, but that she is a great business partner and her best friend. She loves her. One thing I’m really looking for Nobody wants this is that, unlike many shows, the characters here admit their mistakes quite quickly. No one is perfect, but ultimately everyone has that. It’s refreshing! Like Sasha, I also enjoy the sweet release from the chains that come with watching people go out of their way to keep a lie going or from the problems that arise from miscommunication and that can be solved with a simple conversation. This show gives us the simple conversations. Very refreshing.

It’s actually perfect timing because once Morgan learns that it’s not just Rebecca trying to undermine her sister’s relationship with Noah, but that it’s his entire family and that they’re all currently at a bat mitzvah together, Morgan has just no time for this nonsense. They go to that bat mitzvah, no one fucks her sister but her!!

Poor Miriam. We already know she hates her Bat Mitzvah theme (Miriam Take A Bite Out of the Big Apple) and her dress (hideous), and we know Bina is the boss here, but no one said: Can we cool it down with the giant basket of apples that our little 13 year old daughter has to carry through the crowd? Nobody needs this. Of course she stumbles. Of course, we later find her upset in the bathroom, cutting her dress into something semi-cute. (Luckily, her mom is more than willing to help by then.) This should be Miriam’s day, guys!

Fall isn’t all bad. I mean, it’s definitely embarrassing, but right after she gets up, Joanne and Morgan burst through the doors all dressed up, and I don’t think anyone has seen blonde women in dresses before because everyone is looking at them in awe. Strange, if true! And while this is Miriam’s thing, I legitimately clapped when Noah told her she’s turning into an adult today, but it’s not as overwhelming as it sounds because “it turns out to be mostly just about canceling dinner plans,” and it is Where it hurts, we’re really here to wrap this thing up with Joanne and Noah.

Joanne has big news: after brunch with her friends and about thirty seconds of Googling, she has decided to convert to Judaism. If Nobody wants this is getting a season two, which I’m not against, I hope we iron out Joanne’s character. Sometimes she reads like a type A, deeply passionate, smart person, and other times she is the exact opposite. Her speech to Noah that she wants to be part of his world and that she would do anything for him is very romantic, but couldn’t she have done a little more research? If Noah is understandably ecstatic about this: hey, men really can have it all! – says she really wants this for herself, and that she is “committed to the spiritual journey” this entails, as if of course Joanne looks terrified. She hasn’t thought about this! However, she goes straight to Bina and gives her a hug to let her know that she’s “not going anywhere,” and honestly, Bina expected that.

Although the best “actually, fuck you” moment comes when Morgan bumps into Rebecca and asks her if she’s ready Where the Crawdads sing‘, the book she was reading at the bar, and when she says no, Morgan replies, ‘Great, um, Kya’s the killer, so…’ and runs away. That’s master level bitchiness, and I bow at Morgan’s feet.

Joanne seems to be having a blast at the bat mitzvah, tearing up the dance floor with her sister, participating in a Hava Nagila, and slow dancing with her husband as he completely overwhelms her with what conversion to Judaism will entail, because he’s just so completely, wildly happy. But a few things happen and the evening takes a turn.

Joanne notices that Rebecca is getting angry and leaves. She tracks her down outside the party, apparently to see if a fence needs to be repaired there, or maybe she just feels Rebecca is hurt and wants to be nice. Whatever it is, I love it Nobody wants this gives Rebecca this moment. It allows her to be much more fully dimensional. She is not a bitter woman obsessed with getting married; she is someone who had dreams and hopes for her future, and they were all crushed. She apologizes for lying to Morgan; she wasn’t, even though it felt good. “You’re the opposite of what he always wanted,” she tells Joanne. Rebecca is just confused about how someone like Joanne would fit into Noah’s life. When she tells Joanne that marrying the head rabbi comes with a whole host of responsibilities, responsibilities that Joanne hasn’t even thought about, she isn’t being cruel; she is honest. Joanne seems overwhelmed by the pressure of it all. “It should feel like good pressure, you know?” Rebekah tells her. It should feel like an honor and a privilege to represent the temple and be the head rabbi’s wife, but Joanne gets none of that. “I hope it’s what you want,” she says before walking away. Again, none of it is mean or catty; she is the only one who tells Joanne the truth about this huge decision she is making. It won’t be all romance and joy, and it will be hard too.

Immediately after that conversation, Joanne sees Noah talking to Rabbi Cohen, who basically tells him that the board has to approve it, but that he actually has this in the bag. She sees how happy Noah is: this is his lifelong dream come true. She has to pull him aside.

It always felt like we were going to end up with some version of this conversation, but that doesn’t make it any less sad or tragically romantic. Just hit me right in the heart, Bell and Brody! Joanne loves Noah (and he loves her back), but it is because she loves him that she cannot repent. She’s not ready yet, and she doesn’t know if she ever will be. Desperate, he tells her that they can slow things down and that he doesn’t want to lose her. “You need me to be something I can’t promise I can be. If I falter even a little bit, your whole life will explode. That’s not fair to you.” It’s very mature and sincere. Would any of her podcast listeners ever believe she was having this conversation?

Joanne tells Noah something he already knows: he can’t have both things. He can’t have her and his dream job, his dream life. “And I would never make you choose,” she tells him before leaving and ordering him not to follow her.

It was supposed to be the happiest night of Noah’s life. Word spreads that he will definitely get the job and people congratulate him. When his father sees him sadly dismissed from a table, he reminds him that “this is what you wanted all your life,” and that he should be proud and excited. But you can see it all over my husband’s face: maybe this isn’t the dream anymore. Maybe something (someone!!) else became the dream. I don’t care how lame that is, friends; I fucking live for the thrill of a romantic comedy ending, okay? Let me have this! You know he’s going to her!!

Joanne takes the shuttle to the parking lot in tears. At one point she thinks he followed her, but he’s a rando kid. It’s really over, she thinks.

But Noah is waiting for her in the parking lot. NOAH IS WAITING FOR HER IN THE PARKING LOT. Of course she wanted him to follow her, but she still has no idea how this could ever work. “You’re right,” he tells her, “I can’t have both.” And then he takes her and kisses her and it’s so unbelievably good. Guys, she might get pregnant! I could get pregnant! He can’t have both and he chooses her.

This ending is perfect because if this is all we get from Joanne and Noah’s story, it’s a satisfying conclusion. But it also 100 percent sets up a second season – there would be so much to gain from this turn of events. We’ll have to wait and see. For now, I’m going to take it upon myself to rewind through all the kissing scenes, because I’m sorry to say that no one kisses like Kristen Bell and Adam Brody kiss. That may (and it certainly is) a strange thing to say, but I stand by it.