A man throws bread into a creek in Boulder, Colorado, as part of a tashlich ceremony, symbolically throwing away sins.

Jeremy Papasso/Digital First Media/Boulder Daily Camera via Getty Images

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Jeremy Papasso/Digital First Media/Boulder Daily Camera via Getty Images

In the fall of 2021, 67-year-old Nancy Piness couldn’t bring herself to pick up the phone and call her friend, even though they had known each other for decades.

Earlier that year they had some sort of falling out. Not one terrible event happened, but over the years they had disagreements, disagreements and tensions. One day it just became too much and they stopped talking.

“I deliberately avoided her street,” Piness said. “I consciously hoped that I wouldn’t run into her in the supermarket.”

This time of year, Piness thinks a lot about her friend.

That’s because Friday evening marks the start of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) – the holiest day of the Jewish year. It is observed with fasting, prayer and deep introspection.

“Yom Kippur is seen as this very special window where if you actually express remorse and ask to be absolved, God will forgive everything – literally everything,” explains Rabbi Chana Leslie Glazer, interim rabbi at a congregation in King or Prussia. Pennsylvania.

“There is a small caveat. If you don’t make amends to the other people you’ve hurt, it can’t be forgiven,” Glazer said.

This idea is central to the Jewish High Holidays. And in the weeks leading up to Yom Kippur, many Jews try to mend broken relationships.

“There are a lot of people going around,” Glazer said, “writing down a list of all the people they need to ask forgiveness from and apologize to.”

But this process requires preparation.

One way this is done is through a service called selichotwhich takes place the week before the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah). The word selichot means grace, and the service is intended to help a person reflect on the ways in which they have fallen short over the past year.

For the sins we have committed

On a humid Saturday evening in northwest Washington, DC, a small group of congregants gather Temple Micah. Nancy Piness was one of them.

They stood in a circle, lit a woven candle, drank from a ceremonial cup of wine, smelled sweet herbs and recited the blessings that mark the end of Shabbat. Then they entered the sanctuary and began to pray selichot service.

One of the prayers they recited is the Al Chet – a communal confession of sins said many times over the course of the High Holidays. It is accompanied by another prayer that is mentioned Ashamnuin which many congregants ball their right hands into a fist and pound their hearts as they recite each sin.

This is the fourth High Holiday season in which Piness has lost regular contact with her girlfriend, who is not Jewish. This year she finally feels ready for a conversation. And she’s thought a lot about what she’s going to say.

“I notice now that it’s emotional and I feel the lump in my throat and I could burst into tears, which she doesn’t always understand,” Piness said. When she finally picked up the phone to call or text, she said her message would go something like this: “Too much time has passed. I miss you. And I hope we can find some time to talk soon.”

Forgiveness is a process

The Jewish philosopher Maimonides outlined it four steps that are part of the process of seeking reconciliation or forgiveness. Glazer explains that the first step is recognizing the inappropriate action and stopping it. Second, to make a verbal confession. Third, to sincerely regret the action. And the fourth is to make sure you don’t do it again.

For years, Piness was stuck between those steps.

“I could sit in services for hours and think about things. But I am a feeler and a doer. And it is time to take action,” said Piness.

So this year she finally reached out.

“I was worried,” Piness said. “I was really worried. And I didn’t want to pick up the phone and call because she’s not an operator. And so I texted.”

She asked how her friend was doing and if they could talk in person.

She wrote back minutes later. And she said, “Hi Nancy, thanks for reaching out. I’m willing to come together, but right now I’m the one with too many things going on. ”

Pines plans to sit down with her friend as soon as they both can. But she knows there is still a lot of work to do, and it won’t be done until Yom Kippur begins at sunset on Friday.

Glazer advises many people who have difficulty making amends, and who feel pressure to do it by the deadline around Yom Kippur.

“We talk about how at the end of Yom Kippur the gates close and this is the end of your window. And that’s more to inspire people to really think deeply, as deeply as they can, about what they’ve done and really take it as far as they can,” Glazer said.

“But it’s also important to understand that if you’re not completely done by the end of Yom Kippur, it’s okay to go in later and do the rest of your work.”

Piness is relieved that even if things aren’t completely resolved yet, she has at least taken these first steps.