We’ve made our way to the final episode of the regular season of Love is blind in direct current. I’m not sure if love is blind or even real right now.

Make sure you catch up on all the drama before the couples take their vows. If you don’t have 829 minutes to binge watch, read our recaps of episodes 1-6, 7-9, and 10-11 ⬇️.

Now that you’re all messed up, let’s walk down this aisle together one last time. Does that count as a spoiler? It’s your final warning…

Summary: Episode 12

In like a lion, out like a lamb, this was the most boring season finale I have ever seen in my life. Lucky for you, there’s a summary to read!

Marissa and Ramses

Thank you to Marissa and Ramses for the only finale-worthy drama of the episode. We return to the couple and discuss another event that happened off camera. Ramses has doubts after talking to family members about the wedding. Apparently he recently learned that his ex was in a lot more pain than he realized after their divorce.

I have to ask: how many years ago was Ramses’ divorce? Did he even think for a moment about anyone other than himself? Looking for the insights of a therapist? Written in a diary? Took a walk? In many ways, Ramses is the perfect representation of dating in DC: he’s a progressive guy who seems to have a lot of empathy for people on a global scale, but he lacks it on an interpersonal level. If you’re going on a show about relationships and marriage, you probably need to work on yourself ahead of time and make sure you’re ready for commitment before popping the question.

For Ramses, love alone is not enough, and there are certain things he simply cannot ignore. Is he talking about the condoms? Military service? Oh no, just Marissa herself: “It’s about your energy and my energy living in the same place and coexisting,” he says. He’s especially concerned that Marissa is bringing her “daily stress” to their home. If you are Ramses’ ex-wife, please call me, I would like to interview you.

It’s hard to go anywhere from there – let alone down the aisle – so Ramses and Marissa end their relationship. Marissa cries, and my heart breaks for her. (It’s for the best, I promise!) She calls her mother to share the news, but the camera doesn’t capture much of Vanessa’s reaction. I imagine it probably wouldn’t fly with the FCC.

Ashley and Tyler

Our first wedding is Ashley and Tyler. While I’ve said before that I stand by what’s on screen when it comes to the daddy-versus-donor drama, given recent events it feels like a dereliction of duty. This weekend, Bri Thomas (the mother of the children in question) posted a series of videos on Instagram detailing her allegations. According to Thomas, Tyler played a father-like role to the children and the twins were conceived naturally. Tyler has been quiet about the rumors, but he recently wrote in an Instagram comment, “I don’t owe anyone in this world an explanation. But I’ll give you one: lol, the conversation was longer than what was shown and there was a lot of conversation off camera. The reunion show delivers better.

With all that in mind, it seems like there’s an awful lot of talk about dads and babies in this wedding series, without it being intentional. At one point, Tyler tells his friends that he’s going “to the baby-making station” after the wedding, and we spend a lot of time unpacking the couple’s relationships with their respective fathers. Tyler’s father isn’t invited to the event, and as far as I know, neither are his alleged children.

But there’s something else strange happening at this wedding that we need to acknowledge. Now, I’ve been to my fair share of weddings, and I’m used to a pretty typical procession. But just before Ashley walks out, the stage is taken over by two dancers who whirl their way down the aisle, presenting her mother with a bouquet at the end. It doesn’t make sense until I remember they probably budgeted for a third wedding and had some extra money.

To no one’s surprise, Ashley and Tyler get married. Then he says she has a husband, and she says, “you have a wife.” But what we all want to know is: does he have children? Nick and Vanessa Lachey, here’s your chance to win a Murrow Award.

Taylor and Garrett

Another inevitable (see: boring) wedding. As a hopeless romantic, I want these trips to end with marriage, I swear. But as a shadow viewer? Knowing both couples would say yes, I wished I was watching Love Island instead of. Taylor’s parents were a tough sell at first, but they seem happy to see this couple coming together. Her father says that Taylor’s mother, Fong, is the best at reading people, so if she accepts Garrett, he’ll join in. I already knew Fong was smart as the only person who could keep up with DC’s traffic on this show. Fong, come swipe my hinge for me! Garrett’s parents seem less happy. His mom does that thing where you put on a funny voice and laugh a little too loud, and she must have been crying. Anyway, both parents got married on the 13th, and you want to look at that? That goes for Garrett and Taylor too! This is enough to force her friends to wear a white pantsuit/corset combo that’s very Madonna in the “Express Yourself” music video. Taylor and Garrett say, ‘Yes,’ and I say, Is this over yet?

Top 3 DC moments

1. The grooms went to a Wizards game for their bachelor party and were called onto the court to play a basketball version of musical chairs. We even get a flash of the Gallery Place Metro pylon. I can’t believe this hasn’t been leaked since they’re literally announcing that the guys are here Love is blind. I think the Venn diagram of Love is blind viewers and Wizards fans are two separate circles.
2. Garrett says he hasn’t been to a Wizards game since he was a kid, and that’s probably because Gallery Place is so difficult for him. Maybe if it was in Potomac Yard, for example…
3. Both weddings took place at Great Marsh Estate in Bealeton, Virginia, about an hour and 15 minutes away from Washington. A wine country wedding in Virginia might not be in DC, but it still feels very DC.

City vs city

Here’s the breakdown of marriages by season, not including current divorces.

Season 1, Atlanta: 2

Season 2, Chicago: 2

Season 3, Dallas: 2

Season 4, Seattle: 3

Season 5, Houston: 1

Season 6, Charlotte: 1

Season 7, DC: 2

Statistically, that’s not that bad for us, even though it seems like it other Washington keeps winning. The next time you complain about the DC dating scene, remember: you could try finding “the one” in Houston or Charlotte.

One last question

Is it too late for me to go to this show?

Lifestyle Editor

Daniella Byck joined Washingtonian in 2022. She was there before Outdoor magazine and lives in Northeast DC.