Photos via Getty Images; photo illustration of Them

On Wednesday, the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival released its highly anticipated 2025 lineup. A win for bisexuality will see Lady Gaga and Green Day headline days one and two, and a loss for the entire LGBTQ+ community will see Post Malone headline day three. The rest of the lineup is littered with some standout favorites: Missy Elliott, Charli XCX, Anitta and Megan Thee Stallion to name a few.

But as gay people, it is our God-given right to look at something and proclaim with completely unearned confidence that we can make it better. And I’m happy to say that I think we’ve achieved that here. Of course, it would take a long time to come up with a full Coachella lineup, but you can roughly get the gist from our proposals for headlining acts. With that in mind, read on for a selection of Them‘s dream Coachella lineup.

Day 1

Main act: Lady Gaga, in character as Harley Quinn

Okay yeah, maybe Lady Gaga is already headlining Coachella. And yes, maybe Joker: Folie à Deux was one of the most painful viewing experiences of our lives. But we did get a pretty decent (and unhinged) album of jazz standards performed by Mother Monster, seemingly in the role of Harley Quinn. Since we haven’t heard Gaga perform much beyond that weird, half-whispered singing voice in the movie, a Coachella headliner like Harley Quinn would absolutely save the press tour. I mean, if there’s one thing Gaga will do, it’s commit to something. Imagine Gaga as Harley Quinn delivering a long monologue, à la her 2011 VMA performance in the role of her drag persona Jo Calderone, and then immediately launching into “That’s Life” with various pyrotechnics exploding behind her. Now that is something I would go to the desert for.

Jojo Siwa

I know what you’re thinking. Maybe Jojo Siwa isn’t technically a “good musician” (although, as we all know, she did invent gay pop). But does a musician have to be ‘good’ to perform at Coachella? Isn’t it enough to imagine Jojo Siwa, dressed in a bejeweled dress, saying some of the most misleading things you’ve ever heard in between performing her five (5) songs? It’s certainly enough for me.

Challengers soundtrack B2B DJ set

One of the standout sentiments at Challengers’ reception was the praise for Berlin’s ’90s techno-inspired soundtrack, produced by Nine Inch Nails’ Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. So what might an expansion of this soundscape look like if the producers were to join up again for a B2B set? I imagine something like this guy on TikTok, who I’m kind of obsessed with, who makes some of the bravest musical mashups I’ve ever seen in person, like this mix of “Mr. Brightside” and “Yes Glo!” You can’t tell me you wouldn’t go crazy if you heard that.

Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo perform Bad

Oh well. I have yet to see it Bad film, but unfortunately as a ‘former’ theater kid I have every word of the soundtrack memorized. A concert-style performance of the music, with those Coachella-level visuals (imagine pink and green fireworks exploding in the desert sky), would absolutely save my life, and the lives of so many others, from Denny’s late-night run experience making the show. (And you definitely know Ariana and Cynthia would cry with us.)

Day 2

Headliner: Bowen Yang as Charli xcx

Yes, the real Charli XCX is playing Coachella, but I mean, Bowen Yang’s impression was pretty much spot on. Like if you squinted, if you were also on various mind altering substances and delirious from a day spent in the desert heat, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

Addison Rae and Arca

Much to the chagrin of some of my colleagues, I still don’t really “get” Addison Rae, no matter how flawless her creative direction may be. But maybe I would get it if she performed with Arca. Last week, the latter released a reggaeton remix of the former’s ‘Aquamarine’, aptly titled ‘Aquamarine / Arcamarine’. I don’t find the original song (and honestly the original artist) all that interesting. But imagine Addison Rae performing with Arca and one of her stunning live setups? I’m sitting.

Live performance of the vaginoplasty song by Emilia Perez

Yes, say many critics Emilia Perez is transphobic. But you can’t lie and tell me it wouldn’t be memorable to see this performed live in the desert.

Philippe Katerine as the homosexual Dionysus during the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games

You know that you have really done something special artistically when the far right comes after you. The opening ceremony of the Olympic Games featured a short segment in which French singer Philippe Katerine, dressed as a Smurf-like version of the Greek god Dionysus, sang on a giant silver platter covered in various colorful flora, surrounded by drag performers. And honestly, it was a service.

Day 3

Main act: Monster Elisasue

Look, I just think she deserves her time to shine after meeting a very ungrateful audience at the end The fabric. And I’m clearly not the only one who thinks this way, judging by this fancam edit of this diva I just found.

Ellie the Elephant

It’s Ellie’s world and we’re all just living in it. This year, the beloved New York Liberty mascot wowed in her first-ever cover shoot Time out New YorkNot to mention that Liberty won the city’s first professional basketball title in more than half a century. The Naturally The next step is for Ellie to perform at Coachella – Coachellie, if you will.

The ghost of Julie d’Aubigny

If we really go for a dream setup, who’s to say we can’t revive the French bicons from the 17th century? At this year’s VMAs, Chappell Roan lived her full twelve-year-old boy fantasy with a sword, chain mail and a burning castle in the background behind her. Although many assumed her inspiration was Joan of Arc, my esteemed colleague Quispe López drew our attention to Julie d’Aubigny, a French opera singer who, according to legend, set fire to a convent sometime in the 17th century to free her friend . . One can only imagine her ghost giving the Coachella performance of a lifetime, after being raised knowing what “music festivals” and “the United States of America” ​​are.

Ethel Cain is just unboxing video games

Ethel Cain made her Coachella debut in 2023 and I think it’s high time she returns to the festival. Yes, she’s releasing new music, but before announcing that, she dropped a 30-minute break Legend of Zelda unpack video. Watching the video itself is a bit like ASMR, except it also includes extremely hot shots like “Heavenly sword was actually good.” It would be the perfect palate cleanser after a long, hot day in the California sun.

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Originally appeared on them.