Murderous comedy tour

Ricky Gervais is going on tour. His Mortality tour is now in the UK, through 2025 and everywhere else you can spell. Celebs already have their bookers on speed dial.

About the name of the tour he says, “We’re all going to die, so we might as well laugh about it.” What’s funny about that, I’m not sure.

He hopes no one dies on stage. He now works in clubs polishing jokes.

Politics plays wrong notes

Producers of “The Ghost of John McCain” want a rematch. Better they need a slam over.

The slum was invented by the late Grant Woods, McCain’s former chief of staff.

They say: “Our comedy reflects McCain’s love of satire. It should make him laugh — even though it gets outrageous.

“Woods praised McCain. Never to tarnish him. Only to honor him. Meghan McCain’s comments about our new musical make us wonder: How do you judge a show without seeing it first?

“Comedy bridges divides, advances understanding, changes hearts and minds. Our absurd, noisy exploration of power, competition, and the human condition points to leadership and democracy. What we need in this election cycle from hell.”

“Opening Tuesday 24th September, Soho Playhouse. We welcome your feedback. This art form is a wonderful way to celebrate a life well lived and a political system at an extraordinary point.”

Jason Rose and Lynn London don’t yet know that trash doesn’t have to be seen. Only smelled.

Facial Crimes

If a woman is in trouble – say, Ghislaine Maxwell, who rents a room there – it’s without hairdressers, electrologists, podiatrists, dentists, maids, facialists, trainers, manicurists, lovers, breast lifts, butt lifts, Spanx, treatments, no blush, masseurs, the things that make an aging woman look like a perpetual 42.

Wardrobe? Not Chanel. Mass production. Magnifying mirror. Uh-uh. Shame on tweezers. Circuses used to advertise with women with beards. Now I know why.

How much can you chop off a chin by pinching a bobby pin? Or braid your bottom lip or do your 5 to 10 and look like Santa. Forget eyelashes. Last pedicure was at age 11.

No assistant? Driver? High thread count sheets? Evian? Scented soap? Please. I mean, how does a Ghislaine survive?

Party Poisoner

1948. “Dixiecrats” nominated South Carolina Sen. Strom Thurmond for president. Liberals, Henry A. Wallace. Incumbent President Truman’s approval rating fell to 32 percent — the lowest of any president ever. In the previous election, Democrats had lost the House and Senate.

Senate Majority Leader Alben Barkley, a congressman for 40 years and the first to charter a plane for 250 speeches, became Truman’s vice president.

Years later, back in Kentucky, Barkley defeated Republican Senator John Sherman Cooper.

As a not-new-but-first senator, he chose a seat in the back row and told a crowd at Washington and Lee University — the alma mater of former New York Chief Justice Sol Wachtler — that he “would rather be a servant in the House of the Lord than to sit in the seat of the mighty.”

That was on April 30, 1956, and the vice-president died on the podium.

But listen, the good news is: RFK, who now supports Trump, can always donate the funds he has raised to Donald. In the worst case, even to a dead bear.

So this PR-crazy lady who only looks big in newspaper photos was asked about her new PR person. “Awesome,” she said. “I’ve had my house burn down, been robbed twice, had a car accident, had three suicide notes from potential husbands, and now I’m being threatened by muggers. He’s great!”

Only in LA, kids, only in LA.