I am extremely interested in the story about the ancient tablet of the Ten Commandments that is apparently for sale at Sotheby’s. The oldest stone tablet containing the Decalogue is said to fetch as much as $2 million. (It’s hard to believe Hobby Lobby pirates didn’t steal this baby years ago.) But what intrigues me most is that this copy of the Ten Commandments, known as the Samaritan Bible, contains only nine of the commandments of which we are part. all known. In this version, the Ninth Commandment is a direction to worship on Mount Gerizim and not on Mount Zion, because the ancient Samaritans thought God dwelt on the former mountain rather than the latter. This commandment replaces the most famous Ninth Commandment, which reads: “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.”

So, in keeping with my lifelong commitment to Biblical originalism, I now feel free to say the following:

These damn cabinet nominations are so damn stupid and so damn dangerous that only a damn senile, old, damn fool could make them. Goddammit.

Our most recent nominees for the Cabinet of Misfit Misfits are Dr. Mehmet Oz, who has been proposed to oversee Medicare and Medicaid, and Linda McMahon, the nominee for Secretary of Education, a position last held by Betsy DeVos, and I can’t I’m going to compare these two in detail because my bathysphere is broken and I’ll have to leave the decision of who is least qualified to a bunch of blind squids who never see daylight.