This is not clickbait. This is engagement bait. This is subscription bait. This is “sign up for auto-renewal and then get hooked on the bait of Wordle and NYT Cooking.” But it’s also a deeper truth that resonates with many baseball fans, and it goes something like this:

New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Dodgers is the most annoying World Series matchup possible. It might be the most annoying World Series matchup everwhich seems hyperbolic until you start looking at past matchups and realize that most of them didn’t have the full power of social media or the Pundit Industrial Complex behind them. Yes, I realize articles like this are part of the problem, but inevitability is the only possible outcome.

Please note that this is not the same as the worst World Series matchup possible. For heaven’s sake, not by a long shot. The worst World Series game would be the Chicago White Sox versus the Colorado Rockies, with the latter team being heavy favorites. The actual 2024 World Series will feature several future Hall of Famers, most in their absolute prime, doing unreal things to and with baseball. It’s a very good World Series if you enjoy watching excellent players and displays of baseball skills. I’m actually excited to see the baseball part of it, and you should be too.

That doesn’t mean it won’t be annoyingalthough. Let’s count the ways. Haters, gather around. We have some hate to do.

Been there, done that

This World Series is a Simpsons episode from season 43 in which Homer gets a new job. It’s technically a new episode, but it’s a worn-out trope.

Oh, wow, the only cities that matter in the only country that matters, facing each other. Look at all the celebrities in the stands, all of them. Have you ever noticed how different these two cities and lifestyles are? New Yorkers are all ‘Hey, I’m walking here’ and Los Angeles is like, ‘Is that Bobby DeNiro? Hold my little dog, I’m gonna say hello, ha ha, it’s funny because it’s true. Put a brick wall behind me, throw me a microphone and throw a spotlight on me. This material is too good to waste.

It may be a new Yankee Stadium, but we won’t be able to escape the ghosts of baseball’s past in this Series. (Luke Hales/Getty Images)

Even if you can tune out the noise that comes with two cultural centers that are receiving even more attention, there’s still the part where the baseball stuff has been done before. When my mother was growing up in the 1940s and 1950s, she thought the World Series was only what you called it when the Yankees and Dodgers played each other, just like The Iron Bowl is the Alabama/Auburn football games. She doesn’t remember this as something that makes her laugh; she shakes her head ruefully. That’s how often the Yankees and Dodgers played in the World Series.

This matchup took place in 1947, 1949, 1952, 1953, 1955, 1956 and 1963 and that was enough for seven generations. Then it happened again twice in the 1970s and once in the 1980s. Yankees vs. Dodgers is a throwback to those bleak, binary times, when it felt like no one else had a chance. Mostly because they didn’t.

This is the match Fox wanted decades

Every October, I warm my heart thinking about Fox executives lying awake at night worrying about a Cleveland Guardians and Milwaukee Brewers World Series. These chuzzlewits and cocksniffs don’t think about the excitement a pennant would bring to the areas where it hasn’t been enjoyed enough (or any of them at all). They don’t think about specific matchups and baseball-related idiosyncrasies. They think about eyeballs and star power.

And there’s something in that. There will be more eyeballs for this particular matchup because there will be more people participating, and they’re tuning in because they feel like they’re more likely to be entertained by this World Series. Craig Calcaterra cleverly compared the combination of high ratings and noise complaints to Yogi Berra’s famous joke: “Nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.”

Only I always knew what Berra meant by that. The people He what I cared about didn’t want to deal with it. The Mick and Billy Martin didn’t need to be seen. They didn’t need the attention that comes with an ultra-hip nightclub. They were purists. And I realize I’m using famous Yankees to represent the cool people in this analogy, which means this is going to be tricky to solve. But that’s what paragraph breaks are for.

But most of all, it’s the idea that television executives will be happy. This is how they make their money:

They make money by undermining your mental health. Their houses are built brick by brick from the ashes of your gray matter. They wanted Yankees vs. Dodgers because it would mean they could tell more people that they can have the kind of Wi-Fi that allows them to take ventriloquism lessons in their attic, where there used to be a dead spot. This is the World Series that brings in the casuals, the barely interested, the people who will be surprised that there is now a pitch clock. They tap out after an inning once they remember that baseball isn’t for them, but not before they understand that they can finally do ballet in their man caves.

Sometimes I fall asleep and out of the blue I think of “His father is the prosecutor.” That’s a piece of my brain breaking off and floating away, like a crumbling ice shelf, never to be the same again. Someone has to pay. Preferably, these people would pay through every possible Guardians vs. Brewers World Series.

I don’t care about the Yankees and Dodgers. They insist on themselves

Both franchises stare at themselves in the mirror when no one is looking. They also do it when everyone is watching. Monuments and plaques, a well-deserved sense of history that is still exaggerated at the same time. No mascots. Jerseys that have hardly changed in a century.

They insist on themselves. They think they are better than you and your team. And sure, by going to the World Series, that’s technically true, but they don’t have to hammer themselves so hard all the time. It’s much funnier when the history-drunk teams keep getting the title so close and lose year after year.

Except the 49ers. That’s enough. There is probably a statute of limitations on that. It’s just not funny anymore.

Everyone is going to bring up payrolls for both teams, but they are going to miss the bigger point

Yes, the Yankees and Dodgers have more resources than any other team. They spend more money. They are spoiled and so are their fans. They have advantages that other teams don’t: greater visibility, cultural cachet, history and purchasing power. People will talk about how much the Dodgers have committed to players this season (technically over a billion dollars if you don’t adjust for inflation and deferred salaries), and people will talk about how much Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton and Gerrit Cole will make. It’s inevitable.

But that leaves the other owners free. Mookie Betts is with the Dodgers because Fenway Sports Group Holdings LLC was concerned about how his salary would affect their ability to add players to Liverpool and drivers to RFK Racing. They made a business decision and they absolutely deserve to feel bad about it. The Pittsburgh Pirates let Barry Bonds go because they lacked vision. The Chicago Cubs let Greg Maddux go because they didn’t realize how much the North Side wanted the team to be part of its regional identity. The Washington Nationals have not committed to Bryce Harper or Juan Soto because they thought they would find another teenage outfielder with Hall of Fame talent in the Teenage Outfielder with Hall of Fame Talent store.

All these owners are weenies. They are occasionally pragmatic and occasionally foolish, but mostly they are just fools. They need to spend money on good players and keep them away from the Yankees and Dodgers! Especially the players she drafting and developing.

More people should say, “The San Diego Padres had the right idea” instead of “We need to stop the Yankees and Dodgers from doing this,” and the inability to come to that revelation will make the discourse even more tiresome.

Furthermore, the Padres should have kept Juan Soto as well. They are off the charts here. Michael King is cool, but come on. Look at what you’ve done.

A good World Series? Maybe. A great World Series is possible. Give us some Game 7 hijinks, and this could go down as one of the classics. Shohei Ohtani returns to the mound in the 19th inning of Game 7, in front of a stunned crowd at Dodger Stadium, because there are simply no other pitchers available, and he is willing to make a sacrifice. All he has to do is beat Juan Soto, Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton.

We can dream.

But even though it has the potential to be the best World Series, it’s guaranteed to be the most annoying World Series possible. The wrong people have wanted it for years. The team that wins throws the trophy into a cocky juicer and gets a fresh glass, even though they weren’t actually running low. The losing team will feel even more entitled this time next year. And at every moment, before every inning, with every joke and commentary on the pre- and post-game show, you are told how special this all is.

Guards in six. They have the bullpen, even if the Brewers’ lineup is underrated. What a beautiful, simple and boring dream that would have been.

(Top photo illustration by Sean Reilly / The Athletics: Orlando Ramirez/Getty Images; Mary DeCicco/MLB Photos via Getty Images; Katelyn Mulcahy/Getty Images; Carmen Mandato/Getty Images; New York Yankees/Getty Images)